In an interview with Wedding Gazette, Courtney Knowles, spokesperson for the Equality in Marriage Institute, talks about the Institute's mission: educating couples to the fact that marriage is both a 50-50 partnership and an important social contract.
Founded in 1998, the Equality in Marriage Institute is a non-profit organization whose goal is to raise public awareness of the financial, social, and legal implications of marriage and to help couples build strong, balanced relationships through open communication. The Institute provides marriage and divorce advice as well as useful resources for both. It does not provide names of lawyers or become involved in any proceedings.
Wedding Gazette (WG): This group has a somewhat famous founder. Can you tell us a little about her?
Courtney Knowles (CK): The institute was founded by Lorna Wendt, wife of Gary Wendt, the former CEO for General Electric Capital. They were married for over thirty years, during which time Lorna fulfilled the role of wife and mother. She put her career on hold, raised the children, managed the household, and supported her husband in his drive to become successful. When her husband decided to end their marriage, Lorna was offered approximately ten percent of their assets, the implication being that was all she had been worth. She decided to fight back and then founded this institute to educate couples.
WG: So, what is it that couples should know before they get married?
CK: First, they need to know that marriage is a legal contract and it's binding. That means if things go wrong and they opt for divorce, in most cases it is still the judge who decides all the legalities that will have serious implications for their lives. And it's important to note that over 50% of marriages end in divorce in our country.
WG: So what you're saying is that too many couples begin in the dark and have no idea what they'd do if their marriage were not to work out. In this way, they leave their future up to others.
CK: That's right, and it's why we've developed a guide called the Commitment Conversation. The concept calls for couples to discuss their individual goals for the next 5 to 10 years, how they intend to reach them and still operate as a unit. The conversation suggests they talk about all the hard stuff up front and in the beginning: children, religious issues, lifestyle, and finances.
WG: I know it's a good idea, but don't some couples balk at this sort of thing calling it unromantic?
CK:Exactly, but we feel these kinds of conversations strengthen a relationship. You can't have a strong we, if you don't have a strong me. Too often when people get married, they immerse themselves only in the romance of the present and overlook the issues that are likely to face them in the future. They get five years down the road and realize they've become submerged in a relationship, their dreams put entirely on hold. Often this happens to women, and it doesn't have to be this way.
WG: Okay, now let's talk a little about money, which can end up being a big issue.
CK: Right. First and foremost, women need to know that if they choose to put their career on hold to raise a family, the law does not definitively say that being a caretaker has any monetary value. We believe that responsible couples will sit down from the go and discuss what it means financially to be married. Each party needs to know his or her partner's debts and assets from the outset and how things would be handled in case of death or divorce. They need to discuss the basics as well: how to handle household expenses, whether or not to have joint accounts. We encourage couples to maintain some financial independence and build individual credit, even if they choose to have joint accounts.
WG: Do I hear you hinting at a prenuptial agreement somewhere in there?
CK: Yes and no. In the past, prenuptial agreements have taken on negative connotations because too often partners use them selfishly. We suggest that a couple talk from the outset about all the hard issues and hammer out where they stand, the give and take. Let's face it. Our stereotypical partnership mold where couples leave everything up to chance and hope for the best is not working very well. In the end, we recommend that a couple develop something called the commitment contract. And, yes, all of this can be hard, but it will go a long way to establishing equality and strength in a relationship.
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